Maitta!

Have you ever tried so hard to make things right, to change for the greater good, to just change to be someone better than ur preseent self??? And have you ever fail? Have you ever pushed yourself to the limit pushed as harder as u could get? Have you ever tried everything every bloody single option you could think of so desperatly so hurtingly hard that you can just guess that's enough? But it's not enough it's never enough because tha bad is in me I'm the wrong thing and it doesn't matter how much I change it will always be that way. I was so stupid, so naive for thinking I could be like anyother, that I could be just as good, as fair...

Together we'll be the greatest team there's ever been

But they weren't,Elphaba ended alone and I ask myself why, she was the brightest,the best,the most curious, the most willing to be loved. I just can't helped loving her for me she was beautiful and wise. She had a unlimited curiosity, she was strong and how come a stupid girl like Dorothy finished her off????? She always believed in equality she fought for the Animals for the ppl's right for everybody's right. She might looked cold but she was warm inside.She suffered for the Animals and for Fiyero's family. Tht regret tht made her start a jorney to find forgiveness, that bitter soul tht uncertain story about fiyero's death,tht loved tht killed her.
I've never feel so like a character in my life and I've read loads of books and loved a huge lot of them, but she's the one.
She made me feel like I wanted to be a wicked witch, she's just the best. She was the strongest person I've ever read of, she's totally alive.
She came through being green,tht her dad loved her sister the best and ignored her completely,being fooled,being insulted, the rumours they spread against her, ppl's incompetence and ignorance...and she went on with all tht on her shoulders.
I want to be like her, I want to be strong, I want to try tht hard for being independent, for choosing my way.Everytime I remember the book I feel her strenth and I don't care what ppl say, they'll never understand the way I do, they'll never know as much as I do about books. I analize them, I suffer when there's smone written suffering, I'm proud of the characters when they archieve things, I became the main character.For me it's a necessity I live through them I live other realities, other lifes, I grow taller, older o younger and more naive. I just need it,it's my drug.I'm addicted to reading books and I'm addicted to Elphaba.
I want to make a play about the book, the full book.A competent play with everything tht's in the book and I want to play Elphaba, show the other how impotent she felt when Glinda gave dorothy the shoes she wanted so hard, how broken she felt when she realised fiyero wasn't hidden behing inside the scarecrow,...They must see it it's so obvious but they can't see it they can't feel it. How come???? They need to understand tht it's soooo important they do.But they won't they are so into their reality they can't see the art they can't feel it,if I write a book as I will noone will feel it but I will and I hope a freak like me will too.Tht will make it worth the efford.
Elphie thanks a lot.

Fear

Fear is when u feel like smthing may hurt u and u'r waiting for it to come but u can't see it coming yet. U can feel it by urself or coz someone make u feel like.
I was happy I wasn't worring about tht but now u mention it I feel like a doll. What if I'm wrong what if it hurt what if... U know what u'r making me feel?? I know u mean no harm but u'r killing me. At this moment I feel really insecure my life is crashing into pieces but I can feel safe in sm places I can think about things tht make me feel safe but u'r ruining it. U'r telling me not to worry but how can't I stop doing it when u are telling me tht.
I don't want to be like yesterday, I want to feel free and a little careless feeling tht I can overcome tht but u'r making me feel like I should go back to my cave and stay there safe but I don't want to be safe anymore, can't u see tht I want to risk so I'll get smthing in return,please don't feed my fears don't.
U say u see, u think. Don't do it. It makes me start thinking and tht may make me go backwards and tht's really bad for me.
Why is everybody telling me how wrong it can be what the hell are u doing?U'r making me feel insecure and I don't need tht at the moment so stop it.

I want to close my eyes.

Everything around me is falling,everybody around me is crying but that can't hurt me yet, this is like a nightmare u can't see it at first it looks like a dream till it goes nasty.And things haven't gone nasty yet but they will get and soon.Noone gave us an expecific time period for her to go but they said "soon". And that soon things will get really scary.
What I fear the most about things are the concecuences of those events and this concecuences are going to be huge. A whole family broken, my cousin will be lost for ever,don't ask me why but I can see it, my granny will die at least inside.They are both too weak,they'll crash hands down.
She was poor at the end, I guess when u spend ur life being feel sympathy for u start believing u are really a pitiful person.She was never important for her dad and I couldn't see any love in my uncle's eyes but I may be wrong.Her mum was always feeling sorry for her coz she wasn't as whealth as her brothers, but we all should have feel sorry for all the hate she grew inside, she did it herself but not on purpose.She hated tht stupid city but she never left it,she regreted have left work and blame everybody for it,she ate everything tht happened.My cousin, my uncle's illness but in the end she was the one giving up, it must have been too much.
Everybody cries coz she's leaving but noone cries coz she's feeling lost and she's scared, she never talks but tht doesn't mean she's not feeling it.
I'll cry for her fears coz they are mine too, she grow to become smthing I couldn't recognise and I don't want to remember her like that; tired, sad, knowing what's gonna happen. I'll collapse, I'll throw it all away, I'll go as far as I could and I'll cry my eyes out.
But why is this happening?? she's now the center of this family and this center is broken, what's left to do is leave her go she can't stay here anymore as it say the song "butterfly fly away.Flap ur wings now u can't stay" I don't really think she wants to.
I would like to have a discussion with all that ppl that is against euthanasia, I'll do whatever to let her rest as soon as she feels like,she has the right to choose, god has nothing to do here and never will.

and surprisingly it hurt...

I couldn't spect this, I would have never thought this ws gonna hurt this way...why does it hurt this way??maybe coz I know this was happening or because it was the first time or because I thought u were stronger or because I wanted it to be perfect,...But it hurt a lot eventhough I wasn't crying and I was not gonna do it. Despite the fact that you never wanted to talk about that...it hurt. I just wanted to protect myself though i didn't want to hurt you I don't even know if I did but I don't regret it if it hurts you I don't care I just told u how I felt, I didn't want you to be that weak and I didn't want you to control the situation u said no and tht's what's gonna be. Not now not in 3 weeks time no in 2 months no when u feel better, a relationship is about 2 ppl not just u, "I want to do thing properly and if I cannot do it properly I'd rather do it" fine I'm gonna do things properly too and you'r gonna regret it for sure I do want u to regret what you did the mistake u made this time cannot be forgiven sorry but no.
I cannot belive you just give up so easily without even think "but it's just this situation don't worry when I came through it..." u just said no then I'm saying no too, u'r choice ur concecuences.
Now we are just friends.

Confused

There you came smiling with no plans but sure that you didn’t want to intimate too much, you did and now you regret it “not that u didn’t have fun”u said but it sounds so serious so true so mean that u regret it… U’re scared of a word, I can understand that I am too but I didn’t know it was tht scary, it’s just a word and nothing u can never leave. You look at me like I’m a cute doll made of glass just about to break itself into pieces, I’m not. I know u were upset and worried about what happened and about ur job but I cannot forget what u said, it didn’t hurt that much but it was disappointing Maybe I just need to grow up and realize that nothing is what u think it will be but it’s like I’ll never learn that kind of things happen to me all the time I think that smthing is gonna be special but in the end it’s not, it’s just frustrating and it was so nice till I made that mistake till WE made tht mistake, u got cross and worried and upset so u said a lot of things u regreted late but the harm was already done, now I’m gonna let you choose, I’m not crying not tht I’m gonna do it just do smthing u’r unable to do, u have a lack of confidence and tht makes u get confused and make u be confusing, So I’m gonna do it, it may break ur heart it’s gonna be ur own fault u’r gonna choose and no one is gonna force you. U’ll have to decide whether u want to be my friend or wanna try smthing more, ur choice I cannot do it anymore I cannot choose when you smtimes want to and other don’t.Just decide I’ll give you time 3 days or even more I just need u to think make list of advantages and disadvantages, think what u like and dislike, the possibilities, …..but do it, I will accept ur decision I won’t cry and not get cross I’ll just let u face the concecuancies as u told me I’ll take my choices and u’ll take urs.
What made me come this far?? The way u say goodbye, u kissed me a lot during the 3 days u were here and the night u got cross u realized u made a mistake and touched my hands and arms but when I was saying good bye when I was about to forget everything u just acted like u were made of ice, just two kisses in my cheek u wanted me to do the do same so I did, when I wanted to hug u, u was unable to do it and when I wanted u to take my hand u didn’t want to so I said fine that’s what u want u’ll have it. I’m just worried about ur work I’m worried u loose it, I was worried and a little hurt about what u told me but now I realize I shouldn’t , I’ve always got through all the things tht happened in my life why shouldn’t I do the same this time, you choose I’ll be ur friend anyway I won’t be resentful and that’s all I wanted to say.

Careful what you do coz god is watching your every move....

No, this is not a crazy religious talk, it's a song oh a great anime and manga called "death note" it aint about god it's about a very inteligent guy that find the death note.This is a note owned by a shinigami(god of death) and used to enlong the shinigami's life. So as he found it he uses it for killing all hte criminals and as he does it he's called the new god kira tht's a funny pronutiation of killer. Great anime and manga.
But what whould u do with a death note??? As I'm not as intelligent as Light(funny metaphor) I won't make it tht tidy and coordinated but I'll kill all hte terrorist,killers,rappists,.....and I'll enjoy doing it.
But the conclusion is not clear, would it be right?? live in a world ruled by a vengative god, tht aint a god it's a human, tht will kill you if you kill, steal, rap,... And where could his acts place him??? isn't he a killer???
Funny topic huh? as I don't have followers noone is gonna answere but it could be funny to discus it any further...